Learning to Trust Yourself
I work with so many amazing people who are smart, creative, and compassionate and have done and continue to do amazing things. My clients are not perfect, none of us are, but they are all people trying to make the world a better, more just place. And many of them are worriers, as am I. We care deeply, we want to do well, we want to “get it right,” and we are very very hard on ourselves.
No matter what the concrete details of our coaching sessions are, one theme that comes up consistently across roles, sectors, age, geography etc. is how hard it is to trust ourselves.
The noise in our heads can get so loud. All those voices saying “other people are judging me,” “I’m not doing enough,” “I’m squandering opportunities,” “I don’t know the right thing to do”.
In the absence of self-trust we rely on well worn stories about what doing good work, showing up, and being a leader looks like. We inherit these stories from society, our education, our families, former bosses, the internet. Some of these models are helpful, but many of them are not. And for many of us the type of leadership we have inherited is woefully unequipped to meet this particular socio-political moment.
Self-Trust vs. Confidence
I draw a distinction between self-trust and confidence. The leaders I work with have a track record. They know they can do hard things because they can point to the things they’ve done. They know they can activate in a crisis, that they can put in the hours, that they can figure it out. What they struggle with is trusting themselves when they aren’t performing that capability loudly in every moment.
“Right now, you trust yourself when you’re crushing it, when you have the answers, and when you’re being the badass everyone expects. But what about when you’re uncertain? When you need help? When you’re tired? When you make a choice that disappoints people?
That’s when the trust falls apart.”
– Do Your Part: Bold, Sustainable Leadership for Social Impact Leaders in a Time of Polycrisis
It can be very hard to change how you operate when what gives you confidence is being essential, being important, and having the answers. It can feel like if you aren’t in the middle of everything and working around the clock you lose your special sauce.
Paradoxically this is exactly when self-trust becomes most important. When you're not being praised for having the answers is precisely when the belief that you're only valuable for the answers gets tested. When you aren’t getting the external validation (and maybe even catch some shade from others) is when you need to rely on yourself the most.
What to do about it
Trusting yourself is much easier said than done. To get to that place requires shifting some deeply held beliefs about what you deserve, what is effective, and what it means to show up.
I work with clients to build enough self-trust to believe:
Your body deserves regulation even when there’s still work to be done.
You can make the best decision you can with the information you have.
You can set boundaries and still be deeply committed.
You share responsibility with the people around you.
You are worthy of care and compassion even when the work is urgent.
These are all things I’ve struggled with personally. I know how it feels to have one part of yourself yelling “slow down!” while at the same time another part of you says “you can’t possibly do less!” I know how it feels to sit in that tension confused, overwhelmed, and feeling very trapped.
I work with my clients to cut through all the noise and fear and then try small efforts to respond to what their inner voice is saying. I think of it as a form of exposure therapy where we practice exposing ourselves to gentleness.
We Get to Walk and Chew Gum
Anyone who has been reading along with me knows that my big goal is to create organizations and movements that are more sustainable, compassionate, and gentle even as we relentlessly pursue our goal of building a just world. And even as we build those cultures, for most of us it isn’t quite there yet.
We get to create the reality for ourselves and our teams, within our spheres of influence, even as we try to build the bigger reality. How you treat yourself matters. How you listen to yourself matters. How you model sustainable leadership matters. How you encourage others to care for themselves matters.
It's not always forward motion. You will take two steps forward and one step back. That's expected and ok. Making the effort to trust yourself is an ongoing process, and the more you do it the more data you'll get back to show that you can trust yourself more.
When have you trusted yourself in the past even when it was unpopular or scary? What made it possible for you?